Without bruises, the abuse does not exist.
Even with bruises, the target of the abuse is still perceived at the problem. If the abuser is as clever as most Nars are, there is no Without a history of violence. And as my shrink so arrogantly stated after, in a complete act of desperation, pleaded for him to either hospitalize me as I must be experiencing some sort of psychotic episode and should not be left to cause any further damage to myself or others.Obviously, the belief that my husband wants to and if given the opportunity, will kill me; strangle me to be exact, is not the typical proclamation that one shares if in the average day to day therapy session. Nor is it what one would expect from a person that for 2 years of seeing a therapist, had expressed nothing more than concern with little a.d.d, job stress, and typical frustration with raising a teen daughter.
His reply to my plea for help---.."the biggest predictor of future violence is past violence." This last ditch approach to get help, was met by yet another complete disregard for my request and my life. I can say with certainty, had it not been for what it would have done to my children (now grown), as well as some disturbed moral responsibility I would have ended this nightmare and the terror that night, in the Martin's Grocery parking lot. All hope was gone. I had taken a chance and reached out to the last option I felt was available. There is no end to this nightmare...** The one who remains the calmest, the most rational, the most cHarming, is ultimately seen as the victim.
Without any validation, the victim is continuously caught in a state of mental Purgatory. Constantly caught in an endless battle of insidious confusion. Continuously being confronted with acts that we know to our core are wrong; evil, cruel; and abusive and then forced into a state of rationalization. Although we profoundly understand and acknowledge the truth of what is occurring, I believe for our own mental survival in that moment, we, for that moment, must deny it and or accept that we are to blame. Without any affirmation or confirmation from others of what "this" is, we become completely paralyzed by it. Trapped within an incessant, cycle of torture.
Unfortunately, the deeper the descent into his grip, the more undeniable the truths are become. It's as if being trapped, alone, within an all consuming, dark theater and with no predictability I am jolted into awareness by a cold, targeted spotlight aimed directly into my eyes. I struggle to filter the blinding ray in an effort to protect myself from whatever "may" be coming at me from behind the piercing light. The only perceivable sound is that of my own blood coursing through each vein with a pulsating, vengeance canceling out all attempt to hear an oncoming threat. And just at the moment it feels our heart will surely explode in terror-- the light dims; Evil steps beneath the spotlight; demanding I acknowledge Its presence. The light beam then suddenly re-intensifies and after a few seconds of strobing flashes; I find myself, once again surrounded by darkness. The residual effects from the strobe leaves me with undeniable flashes of the Evil presence that had just stood before me. As my mind grapples to instinctively process what has just occurred, my heart (I believe) fights with just as much fury to deny its validity.
The room lighting returns to normal, the window shades slowly lift; the Sun's warming rays fill the room; leaving only the stage darkened. The exits are open; my family enters; friends, pets, activities go on as normal, with only myself left with the acknowledgement of the Evil that supernaturally maneuvers within my life.. The creature with the patience of Job, who charmingly and meticulously plots his attacks. I am all that stands between my terrorist and his prize. I am the only threat to this fantasy life he has spent years creating. I, alone, must chose to fight or surrender. Either, is equally as risky and potentially fatal. I, alone, because only I can choose fight and defend myself and my children against this illucid creature. I am not only in the fight to save my life, but even more horrifying, we believe that we too because of our awareness of the evil that waits to destroy us, are left fully acknowledging that we are responsible to defend the lives of all of his unwitting targets; our children and sadly... even the very monster who seeks to destroy us. Yes, even He must be saved from whatever Evil has stolen his soul from him. There is no one to hear my cries; no one to hear my screams; no one to save me. Without eyes, a mirror is just a glass. cl'13
I pray that your experience has not and will not reach this degree of horror. This form of "Domestic Terrorism" (Malignant Narcissism) is in my opinion, the most hideous, depraved form of terrorism that exists. I believe this is due to its ability to permeate and consume our lives with such cunning, brilliant thievery that by the time our minds and heart are left without the option to deny and rationalize what is/has occurred ..it is far too late. The virus has attached itself to every cell of our being. We realize that our cries for help can only be met with denial, as it is (normal)human nature to reject the idea that this form of evil exist, and it exists in those we deem in our rational, normal minds, as good people. How can we expect others to believe and accept what has more than likely taken us years, or decades , in my case, to acknowledge?
The abuse, when no longer deniable, reveals itself in every aspect of our lives. We begin to recall those moments, when our gut/intuition/God tried to alert us to the presence of a Terrorist. Our sixth sense, or conscience, gut; God; or whichever we choose to call it, has been speaking to us all along. We, in our human minds, chose....I believe in order to survive (self-and-family preservation), we then choose to deny, rebuke, rearrange, rationalize and at times, in my case, rationalize, that I must deserve it; that I am responsible for my Terrorist and that God put me in his life to care for him and accept him as a child of God and accept the understanding that my Terrorist is not to blame for his soullessness; for his acts of cruelty. How can we fault or abandon the lost? The innocent? Certainly, no one chooses to be incapable of love; of feeling; to know true joy; and peace.
My heart aches for those of you who may be in this tumultuous unrelenting, nightmarish spiral of abuse. It aches even more so for those who may be in the impossible position of having to fight for your life, while having to fight for and save not only your life but the lives of your children, as well. This, is the true evil of it. As Mother's, we will die to protect our children. There isn't a monster too big, or mountain too high that will impede our fight for our children's lives. Having to engage in Battle with an Invisible Terrorist (Poltergiest, Demon, Entity, etc...) that only YOU are able to SEE is what makes this Battle so devastating & horrifying. Our Terrorist is cleverly disguised (with our help. Yes, we have unknowingly become our Terrorist's greatest Alli. We unknowingly show our Terrorist exactly HOW to personalize His blueprint to our demise..Our Terrorist, to all but ourselves, is cleverly disguised as the perfect bait-- Prince Charming; the helpful neighbor; the church deacon; community volunteer, etc...
I have no clue where this road will lead me. I have no assurance of anything.
When we unable to gauge anything with certainty--We are forced to EXPECT, & PREPARE for EVERYTHING.
What I do know, is this battle will either: destroy me, imprison me, or motivate me. For this reason---- I refuse to surrender to it. Till my last breath, I will fight to protect those I love, for what is good, and true and I will not, regardless of what the truth is revealed to be, allow this nightmare to have been in vain. Whether I was created for the purpose of revealing the harsh reality of psychosis and the disillusionment it presents, or become the face of the devastating effects of mental domestic terrorism. Whichever the case, there is no going back.. I have no pride, self-respect, joy, hope, faith, protection...The option to surrender no longer exists.
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